my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
