someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
