I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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