Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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