How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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