Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
