I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize