She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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