you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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