So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
