The maid of honor just puked.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
