Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
