Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
