Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
