I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
