I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
