The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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