In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Everyone says I win the strip club
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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