I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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