All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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