Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
