My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
