he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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