Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
