Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
