so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
