i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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