thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
