I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
