9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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