i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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