i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize