cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
