Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
