I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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