Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
bring money and cleavage
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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