Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
