I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
