i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
