Will you blow on my dice?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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