i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
