im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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