Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
