To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
