If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
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