I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
