There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
