WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
