After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
