Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
