He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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