I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize