dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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