You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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