Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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