I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
