I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
