That's intense
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
